Defend Those That Are Absent
I was planning on writing about some experiments that we'll be running on the farm this year.
Instead, I'm dwelling on a phrase that I read in 7 Habits inside an example of someone's personal mission statement.
Defend those that are absent.
I first read that phrase years ago, but it jumped off the page at me and has been with me ever since.
From the moment I read it, it struck me as something important.
People spend a lot of time putting other people down, especially and almost exclusively when the person they are talking about is no where in sight and unable to defend themselves.
We take this behavior for granted. That's just what you do. You get together and talk about people.
When you talk about people, the balance is often weighted in favor of what they are doing wrong. We may pepper in the occassional complimentary observation, but negativity is well represented.
I'm trying to do less of this. I want to defend those that are absent.
Why create all that negative energy? I think most people would argue that their banter is harmless, but I am not so sure. I think there is more truth to the statement that "what you think about, you bring about" than most people realize.
I've found that every opportunity to retrain my thought patterns towards seeking out the good in a situation or person has been an opportunity that pays huge dividends.
In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned that I think being able to empathize is important - even and especially if you disagree with someone. If you can't look someone in the eye and honestly say that you understand why they think the way they do, you have no basis for communication.
If you have no basis for communication, you have no basis for influence or growth.
This ability to see the world from anothers point of view is important if you are going to defend them in the face of criticism. The easy thing to do is to just pile on. The hard thing to do is to be charitable and kind, especially when you largely disagree.
This problem is most glaring when we perceive some sort of injustice.
If that injustice is directed in our direction, you better believe that everyone we know is going to hear about it. We go on a war path to convince every one else we know that the perpetrator is guilty and needs convicted in the court of public opinion.
How often have you waged one of these campaigns only to later forgive and forget?
How often have you experienced what felt like injustice only to find out that the problem was one primarily of misunderstanding and miscommunication?
We make up all sorts of justifications. That person is selfish! They think the whole world revolves around them. I can't believe they did that to me.
Haven't they figured out that the world revolves around me, not them!?
We tell outselves that forgiving is enough. Forgive, forget, move on.
This is a pattern of negative behavior though. We can do better. We can stop the behavior before we get to the part where we're spent an hour stroking our own egos by talking down on someone else.
Next time you find yourself in a conversation about someone who isn't there, resist the urge to engage in any negative discussion. If you can't find something good to say, change the subject and move on.
Next time you find yourself wanting to complain about what someone else did to you, remind yourself that like you, they have a million things going on in their lives. They are probably doing the best they can. The best they can may not be very good. They may not be very happy.
Don't pile on.
Be charitable and kind.
Forgive ahead of time.
Don't judge, or you too will be judged.
Go out of your way to love, even when they are making it hard.
I've been trying to do all this. I am not always successful, but I've found that I feel better when I choose the path of empathy over criticism. You may find the same.
Try it out!
Side note - this is why I do not like visiting Twitter or the comments section on pretty much any website. They tend to collect and breed negativity.
Thanks for reading.
Life is good.